Good evening folks! I just got home from a fantastic vacation with two topic ideas! I’ll post one now, and one within a few days. I decided to go with this one first (for no reason in particular). I hope you can laugh at my embarrassment and share your less than stellar issues as well.
Every person in the world is embarrassed by something. (No really! It’s true!) Even people who have seemingly perfect lives have those “oh shit” moments from time to time. I figured I share mine with you. I do this with a great deal of risk, considering I’ve taken great pains to hide these things in the past (with less than perfect results). So this is dedicated to you, my dear readers, to remind you that no matter how embarrassing, it’s important to remember that it isn’t as bad as you may think.
My Top Five Embarrassing Traits
My Talking Tummy: Once they removed my colon, my small intestines built a new language. It’s purpose? To act as a beacon to call the big intestine home! It yells, moans, and rumbles with great effort. When their efforts seem to fail, it wails even louder. I’m often surprised that seals don’t beach themselves and drag to my current location to see what all the fuss is about!
This crazy organ screams when I’m hungry or full, when I have my typical tummy ache or not. There’s no quieting it’s cry. I’ve tried everything, but that small intestine is just so lost without it’s counterpart. I feel sorry for it, actually! I can’t even imagine being a twin and losing your other half with no notice or reason. I’m working on being a little more compassionate, I just wish she’d send a text message instead. Does the entire world need to know her sadness?
My Impersonation of a Tomato: Oh, how I envy my non-blushing friends! Without my permission, my face swells and gets red in it’s effort to impersonate a tomato. Why? Who knows! This little one-person-show happens when I’m hot, excited, embarrassed, hungry, full, tired, standing, sitting, etc. There are so many triggers, I can’t list them all. I try to laugh it off, but the harder I try to explain, the redder I get!
Digestion Belly Dance: As you have likely read in my older posts, I had most of my abdomen removed in 2013 in an effort to correct the mistakes made during a botched hysterectomy. What you may not know is I have no abdominal muscles left, and very little tissue between the intestines and skin. The result? I can literally WATCH as food digests. If I’m wearing a thinner shirt or pants, this little dance can be watched from a few feet away! If I were thinner, it’d look like an exotic belly dance. On me, it really looks more like a run-away snake slithering in circles on my tummy. Now THAT’s attractive!
Am I a Chia Pet or Q-Tip? The REAL question is “does it mater??”. Even after losing most of my hair, I still manage to look like one or the other by the end of the day. No matter what product I put on my hair, it tends to grow and thicken throughout the day. On the rare occasions that I’m out and about after 8pm, I cannot be held responsible for the damage this fro does to innocent bystanders. It’s thick and course and generally contains some sort of industrial strength taming gel that makes the ends as sharp as razors. Don’t get too close! You may lose a finger!
Shuffle, Bend, Brace…Shuffle, Bend, Brace: I was reminded this weekend that my physical appearance makes me look about 20 years older than I am. More than once, I was asked if my friend (who happens to be 2 years older than me) was my daughter. Seriously? A little gray hair, and a stooped stance doesn’t actually age me! I don’t feel like a senior citizen yet! Please, let me get used to my forties yet!
So there you have it! My top five. There are, of course, more, but I have to keep a little dignity, don’t I??
Let me hear your most embarrassing traits! Don’t worry – I’m sure you aren’t alone!